I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
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I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’