me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
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Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC