“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
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Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”