“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
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Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol