My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
You Might Also Like
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.