My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
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Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
This 4th of July, please remember…
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL