Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
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Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
Beware of fowl play.
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?