What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
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My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
good work, everybody
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.