No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
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Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.