Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
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horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.