her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
You Might Also Like
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*