bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
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glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.