Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
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First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad