[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
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me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES