My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
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[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
sounds kinky. i’m in.
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
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