They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
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Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
ok like just. call me at this point
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
me after eating Cheetos