[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
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shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?