8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
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WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
i guess his teacher was really pissed
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*