If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
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I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
This kid is a star!
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.