A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
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Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
#winning
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
🙄😏😂🤣
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”