Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
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Danger is very dangerous
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
Anyone want a chair?
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
Anyone really
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness