Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
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Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
🙀🙀🙀😹
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.