One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
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Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.