Hilarious if literal: arms race
You Might Also Like
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise