I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
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Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.