“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
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How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?