When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
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the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
HOW DARE YOU
Just say no
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.