Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
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Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
it’s a van. how do they not know this
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
Netflix and awkward silence?
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
FRED: right
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]