Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
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Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
Breaking news:
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
the only bumper sticker ill allow
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
ready to be harvested
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.