People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
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If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
Oh yeah that’s it
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”