*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
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Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
Social Media and Real life
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
Day 2 of my diet
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it