Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
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Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send