wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
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Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
I have a new favorite meme page
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.