The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
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Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned