Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
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Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams