did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
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When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
I saw nothing
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.