Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
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Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
A wise man once said nothing.
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
Happy weekend !
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION