HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
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Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.