Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
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People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat