Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
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Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?