If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
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bro what is going on at twitter
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
Become a minion. Get that bread.
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
Me: how are you
Friday: good
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
Tony Hawk, age 6
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too