This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
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It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on