My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
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WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
The human personality is made of five key elements
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
cry laughing at this shit
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you