Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
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MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.