This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 馃槀
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People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men鈥檚 room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
I once put a cigarette out on someone鈥檚 arm for telling me that we didn鈥檛 evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you鈥檙e happy now
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
mom: I don鈥檛 like Alexa, why can鈥檛 people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 馃憦馃徏馃憦馃徏
[lights go out]
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
It鈥檚 that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King鈥檚 Hawaiian rolls.
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn鈥檛 real?
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.