Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
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Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.