4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
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One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?