The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
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me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
whenever i wake up before my alarm
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora