I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
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When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally