Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
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Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.